Marriage & Parenting

又爱又恨.. A mother’s struggle…

Sometimes I really wonder what runs in her little mind.

Is she testing my patience? Or is she just ignorant of her own feelings?
Is she feeling insecure about going to school soon? Or she just needs more attention from me? Is she really mature enough to know everything we say to her? Or is she just guessing? Why is she a monster for a day and an angel for the next few days?

Some tell me that she is getting stickier coz she is approaching her Terrible Two Years but other said she is just insecure about going to school.

Frankly, sometimes I am kinda of lost. And when I am lost, I start reading parenting books to reassure myself. I guess it’s never easy to be a mother. And it’s even harder to be a good mother.

Sometimes I feel inadequate as a mother. Whenever I feel that way, I will start telling myself one is enough. And yes, that’s exactly what I am feeling now. I just feel that I am not adequate as a mother. I mean, no or few mothers can read their children’s minds. I don’t even think my mother knows what runs in my mind. Or at least what I need. I can only remember I was brought up feeling inadequate. Inadequate in whatever roles I play, whatever work I do or even whatever decisions I made in my life. I was never told that I was good enough for anything or anyone.

I grew up thinking I was just lucky. When I met my hubby, I told myself he was just an angel loaned to me by ‘God’ (any invisible power up there). It can’t be real or it was just too good to be true. I know I sound like a silly girl but yes, I had been and will be worshiping my hubby. I remember during the first few years together, I was so afraid to wake up one day realizing it was just a dream… Haha…

11 years had passed. And it is still like a dream to me.

I guess this is not the way I wish to bring up Jamie. I definitely wish that she can grow up to be a confident young lady who feels good about herself.

That’s why I feel it’s important for me to feel adequate as a mother. I can’t imagine whether she will respect me if she knows her mother has low self-worth.

I need to throw away all my bad childhood memories, bad childhood experiences and start to believe in myself. Even if it was because I am lucky, there must be a certain reason for being ‘selected’ to be the lucky one.

Not everyone can be lucky enough to stay lucky for this long 🙂

2 thoughts on “又爱又恨.. A mother’s struggle…

  1. Hi Jolene

    I've been a follower of your blog since your preparation of your marriage through singaporebrides forum. We married around the same time and had our child at around the same time too. I just want to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. In fact, in a lot of ways, you echo my thoughts in your words. More than words indeed. You are a lucky girl. But your luck comes by because of the person that you are. It is funny for me to comment as though I know you. But somehow, through reading your blog, I seem to know you. 🙂 Jia you, girl. You will be a good mother to your little girl. I know your heart desires so and you will be so.


  2. Hi Anonymous!

    Thanks for your comment!!

    Wow.. I feel really flattered to know my blog has a follower since so many years back. Thank you for following my blog, my words and my thoughts for so long!

    I believe you are a great mother too 🙂 Lets Jiayou together for each other as we watch our little one grows up 😀


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